Reviews
The beach itself is relatively clean and the owners and their dogs are
usually well-behaved, but the lifeguards seem entrenched in outdated
ideals about what dogs should be. They're polite and courteous for the
most part but I wear headphones without any music playing and there's been a
few times I've overheard them actually making some unnecessarily
prejudiced comments to unattended dogs. One lifeguard was using 'fido' like a
noun, as if it was derogatory or something.
"You
work for that big fat belly, boy? How about that toy in your mouth? The
swim trunks? None of those things? Oh man, fidos like you are gonna be
the first ones to go when Trump gets elected."
"You herding sand, boy, where's your flock? You lost your flock? Aw man,
what kind of Shepherd loses its flock? Probably the same one that just
lost out on all this bacon, awww."
Dude had a strip of that weird bacon they put in McBuscuits, like going
out of his way to shame this dog. He must've pretended to throw it a
hundred times but he never did and you could tell that bothered the dog a
lot more than any failed sense of duty over some flock. Another lifeguard just had his phone blaring Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream" speech while he held his hand up to his ear and asked everyone if they heard the word 'dog' anywhere. Come on, man, he didn't say anything about dogs but you just know he loved them. The thing is, the lifeguards are otherwise
friendly and helpful and of course trained to save peoples' lives,
so I don't think anyone would even care if they were just rolling their
eyes at Yorkies in pink tutus or making the occasional ignorant comment
to people who don't clean up after their dog. But it's gotten much
worse lately, in fact I was there with a friend a few days ago and a
lifeguard took it way too far. I
was half expecting John Quinones to pop out from the lifeguard shack or
something, the guy was spewing pure ignorance.
"I don't care that your dog thinks he's alpha. I don't care about that. I
care that YOU DON'T CARE. He's gonna lead no matter what, that's
nature. He'll walk you all day. You give him a bigger brain, he'll steal
your damn wife. But he doesn't, he's just a dog, which is my point.
Where's your pride? Humans have a developed neocortex AND we got teeth
for
tearing the meat from bones. Feel your teeth with your tongue real
quick. It's the best of both words, my friend. Brain on the top mean the
brawn don't ever stop. Right? So why are you sharing clothes with dogs,
homie? Dogs don't understand what it takes to craft a garment. Sewing
is not your technology to share, Sid Meier, and dogs don't need bikinis.
That's not controversial, is it, because I don't want to live on this
Earth if it is. Lord."
It didn't get much more heated than that but does it have to? I don't
want to call it misogyny, because I don't want to be incorrect since
it's prejudice towards dogs and not women, but it's difficult to believe
Long Beach would put misogynists in charge of saving peoples' lives.
The beach should be sacred - I get there's generally a shortage of other
emergency services but the beach is a place I want to go to and not
have to hear about how much more powerful cats are than dogs,
pound-for-pound. The one dude may never get over the fact that a dog on a
surfboard doesn't just instinctively start surfing. It doesn't know
how, it's a dog, why is that so funny? How can you give dogs so much credit and not enough credit at the same time?
And shouldn't you be driving a truck through the sand or something? Anyway,
got carried away, good beach.
Okay, note to self, don’t forget your phone because you never know when you’re going to see someone famous. There was a guy dressed up like Colonel Sanders outside this location yesterday. I was in the drive thru when I spotted him chatting up an Indian couple on the sidewalk and he was still there when I got my food, so I took a closer look and almost crapped my pants when I saw who it was. The store didn’t have any special signs or balloons and there wasn’t a long line or anything, so I checked their Twitter and neither mentioned a promotional event. I figured I was wrong and it was just some guy with a leftover Halloween costume or something. Turns out I was right the first time, I rolled down my window and he smiled and came over and did his best Colonel Sanders impression. We chatted for a while, talked about all the stuff he did in the 90’s and all that SNL stuff, then I asked him about KFC doing the celebrity PR thing. He said he wasn’t hired by KFC HQ, just by this specific franchise, and that he was just spinning signs here. I thought it was really cool at first, then I realized the owner probably didn’t even know who Frank Stallone was and that he was probably paying him $12 an hour to do it. I spotted Vicki from Small Wonder working at Pirate Adventure a few years ago but the service was so bad I had a hard time sympathizing, but this guy was really trying. I left after the third “that chicken smells good” but I hope he stays on the straight and narrow and doesn’t burn through that Apollo money too fast. The chicken here is good.
---
SPAMALOT at the Hollywood Bowl
(this is a COMEDY review loosely based on my experience - no offense intended!)
Friday night’s ensemble-fueled retelling of Frederick Douglas’ journeys to Medieval England according to a madman was an experience to remember. Spamalot roared with reverence and wit and could’ve only been better if everyone involved was a tier higher in Celebrity, or if I’d actually gathered enough courage to talk to Sarah Hyland when I saw her. The Bowl’s decadent pit of age and aged money, affectionately dubbed “Isle de Palm Beach,” was set aglow by Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s hair and the fiery performances of actors from shows like The Office, Mr. Robot, Modern Family and Little People, Big World. Who I believe to be Vanessa Williams was a constant source of comic relief as “what Terry Schiavo would sound like” and to see the diva on stage and healthy was in some ways a relief after everything Whitney Huston’s put us through.
Speaking of celebrity worship, Warwick Davis’ performance was worthy of enough of it to possibly kill a person his size and weight. “Willow” and “Labyrinth” are movies hard-coded in the minds of 80’s kids - flipping through the channels as a child you’d find a movie with a kid your age, then people and animals would die horribly in a dark world. Any young person considering shooting large amounts of people probably never dealt with the adversity those films afforded, and the loss they made you cope with at that tender age. Warwick brought that magic to the stage and dazzled everyone as multiple characters, each incredibly obviously him, yet each executed with such skill and passion and fervor.
Christian Slater’s performance as his character from Gleaming the Cube speaking in an Australian accent could’ve only been better if he’d chosen his character from Pump Up the Volume instead. Another fan favorite, albeit of a different demographic, was the boisterous Jesse Tyler Ferguson. Two musclebound men to my right couldn’t handle themselves for Ferguson’s animated fun, twice triggering a purse-clutching wave of flinching blue heads from the pit below. A quick glance up could’ve eased their worries, or maybe exacerbated them, but the Modern Family actor’s glee-inducing whimsy was too much to miss.
Craig Robinson’s face shined as King Arthur. The passion of his delivery and his ability as a musician and improvisational comedian meshed with the classic material to create something truly grandiose, but really, all I had to do was walk up to her and be like “hey, you’re so great in Modern Family, you want to grab a drink at King King?”.
The whole ride is well worth the ticket, and probably only running for a short time (I have no idea how these shows work, a coworker begged me to go). Eric Idle is sort of the John Lennon to Cleese’s McCartney in that they’ll all be dead in 10 years, so even if you’re not a fan, your descendants may have better taste and would be extremely embarrassed to find out you had a chance to see a member of Monty Python live and didn’t. And if you think you’re too young or stupid to enjoy the show, you could always take some acid and pretend you’re watching a weird dream sequence from Mr. Robot.
---
Wii Party
A game you can use to put punk kids in their place,
I have an 11 year old niece. She won some writing award from her middle
school, and she's a bit of a know-it-all. My entire family recognizes
this, but we don't say anything because my sister's choosing to raise
her this way and wouldn't do anything differently even if we did.
I had dinner over their house 2 weekends ago. Afterwards, we all decided to play the board game Boulderdash. I'm usually amazing at Boulderdash, but after a few cocktails I was not doing well to say the least. In fact, my niece ended up beating us all for some reason. I lived with a bunch of law students back in the day and never lost a game, and suddenly I'm getting destroyed by an 11 year old kid at a game based heavily on vocabulary. No idea but I wasn't too happy. Afterwards, my niece invited me to play this game, Wii Party.
Just to preface this real quick, I was at once a good enough video game player to be invited to play on a Call of Duty 4 team, which was actually sponsored by a company. Yes, for a short while I earned extra cash and some airfare and hotel rooms playing games in my mid-20's. I've been playing video games since Coleco Vision (it was an old system, but my parents were broke). I'm just a good video gamer, is what I'm trying to say.
We cranked this game up. I felt defeated from the game of Boulderdash and told her to pick any game mode to play.
She said, "Well we could play cooperative mode."
I said, "Fine, sounds good."
She then said, "I was bluffing, dork. Let's play against each other."
I agreed and she started some game mode up and we began playing. I don't really remember the next 20 minutes but my brain WAS able to record a few things (approximately the same amount of a basketball game Michael Jordan could remember when he was locked in "the zone" with his tongue out and 40 points at halftime). There was a lot of Wii remote swinging, some precision button pressing and a whole lot of tears. The whirlwind that ensued after she'd started the game left only tears and the debris of her broken dreams and what pride she'd amassed in those short 11 years on this planet. She actually called me a cheater and stormed out of her room, red-faced and now a cynical and jaded shell of the girl she'd once been. I think losing was hard on her, but I KNOW the victory dances I'd improvised for each, individual victory definitely took their toll. Also, the last 5 minutes of that hail storm of pixel carnage was witnessed by the entire family as a crowd had gathered. Their initial whispers of "oh she's amazing at this game" had quickly turned into the "oohs" and "ahhs" usually reserved for extremely close golf games and QVC-watching audiences at old folks' homes.
At the end, as I was announced winner, I raised my arms in a V and looked over the audience of family members expecting to see scowling faces, disappointed in me for not letting the 11 year old girl win. What I actually saw were the proud little smirks an emo son would get if he'd brought home the prom queen to his macho dad. Speaking of which, her father/my brother-in-law waited until the crowd had cleared and came up to me to give me a high five. He's a man of few words, and continued that trend, so the high five meant a lot more than it normally would. I don't think I was the real winner there. I think her dad was. I don't think he wished anything bad on his daughter, he was just happy she'd finally lost at something so she knew what that was like. Also he may have put money on me to win because I saw my father (his father in law) begrudgingly hand him a $20 bill. Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad, guess I didn't need it because I WON AND SHE DIDN'T.
A few days later, she called me. I had no idea 11 year olds had cell phones, but they do. No idea why. When I picked up the phone, she literally read me a long letter she'd prepared. It was an argument why I hadn't actually won. Her justifications were far reaching. She mentioned affirmative action and I'm pretty sure she quoted Ayn Rand somewhere in there. Then she hung up as I began rebutting each justification. And that's when I decided to be an adult about the whole thing. And, as you know, being an adult means you have a job and money to spare usually, so of course that means I found a groupon for a custom trophy and had one made to celebrate my victory. It stands almost 4 feet tall and the figure at the top's had his golf club removed and a Wii remote I crafted with a little mold and some Gorilla Glue. Painted gold to match the rest, of course. The icing on the top is I gave one of the gold-colored plates that covers the middle tier to my brother-in-law/her dad and he somehow tricked her into signing it in black permanent marker. So she's technically signed the thing, admitting her defeat despite her long-winded essay.
Anyway, I highly suggest this game.
I had dinner over their house 2 weekends ago. Afterwards, we all decided to play the board game Boulderdash. I'm usually amazing at Boulderdash, but after a few cocktails I was not doing well to say the least. In fact, my niece ended up beating us all for some reason. I lived with a bunch of law students back in the day and never lost a game, and suddenly I'm getting destroyed by an 11 year old kid at a game based heavily on vocabulary. No idea but I wasn't too happy. Afterwards, my niece invited me to play this game, Wii Party.
Just to preface this real quick, I was at once a good enough video game player to be invited to play on a Call of Duty 4 team, which was actually sponsored by a company. Yes, for a short while I earned extra cash and some airfare and hotel rooms playing games in my mid-20's. I've been playing video games since Coleco Vision (it was an old system, but my parents were broke). I'm just a good video gamer, is what I'm trying to say.
We cranked this game up. I felt defeated from the game of Boulderdash and told her to pick any game mode to play.
She said, "Well we could play cooperative mode."
I said, "Fine, sounds good."
She then said, "I was bluffing, dork. Let's play against each other."
I agreed and she started some game mode up and we began playing. I don't really remember the next 20 minutes but my brain WAS able to record a few things (approximately the same amount of a basketball game Michael Jordan could remember when he was locked in "the zone" with his tongue out and 40 points at halftime). There was a lot of Wii remote swinging, some precision button pressing and a whole lot of tears. The whirlwind that ensued after she'd started the game left only tears and the debris of her broken dreams and what pride she'd amassed in those short 11 years on this planet. She actually called me a cheater and stormed out of her room, red-faced and now a cynical and jaded shell of the girl she'd once been. I think losing was hard on her, but I KNOW the victory dances I'd improvised for each, individual victory definitely took their toll. Also, the last 5 minutes of that hail storm of pixel carnage was witnessed by the entire family as a crowd had gathered. Their initial whispers of "oh she's amazing at this game" had quickly turned into the "oohs" and "ahhs" usually reserved for extremely close golf games and QVC-watching audiences at old folks' homes.
At the end, as I was announced winner, I raised my arms in a V and looked over the audience of family members expecting to see scowling faces, disappointed in me for not letting the 11 year old girl win. What I actually saw were the proud little smirks an emo son would get if he'd brought home the prom queen to his macho dad. Speaking of which, her father/my brother-in-law waited until the crowd had cleared and came up to me to give me a high five. He's a man of few words, and continued that trend, so the high five meant a lot more than it normally would. I don't think I was the real winner there. I think her dad was. I don't think he wished anything bad on his daughter, he was just happy she'd finally lost at something so she knew what that was like. Also he may have put money on me to win because I saw my father (his father in law) begrudgingly hand him a $20 bill. Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad, guess I didn't need it because I WON AND SHE DIDN'T.
A few days later, she called me. I had no idea 11 year olds had cell phones, but they do. No idea why. When I picked up the phone, she literally read me a long letter she'd prepared. It was an argument why I hadn't actually won. Her justifications were far reaching. She mentioned affirmative action and I'm pretty sure she quoted Ayn Rand somewhere in there. Then she hung up as I began rebutting each justification. And that's when I decided to be an adult about the whole thing. And, as you know, being an adult means you have a job and money to spare usually, so of course that means I found a groupon for a custom trophy and had one made to celebrate my victory. It stands almost 4 feet tall and the figure at the top's had his golf club removed and a Wii remote I crafted with a little mold and some Gorilla Glue. Painted gold to match the rest, of course. The icing on the top is I gave one of the gold-colored plates that covers the middle tier to my brother-in-law/her dad and he somehow tricked her into signing it in black permanent marker. So she's technically signed the thing, admitting her defeat despite her long-winded essay.
Anyway, I highly suggest this game.
---
More amazing than something truly amazing,
I found an old corn cob pipe in a jacket I picked up from Goodwill one
day. Well I used the jacket immediately but I put the corn cob in a drawer
where I keep miscellaneous things and I didn't do it for any particular
reason other than the fact that throwing things away, in general,
doesn't give me any kind of satisfaction. Well when I found this ebook
online and decided to make the purchase, I fetched the old corn cob pipe
from the drawer and deposited a fair amount of old flavored tobacco
that I'd kept in that drawer for years. I lit that baby up and started
reading this amazing book. A minute later and I'm just in the best mood
I've ever been in and I was laughing as much as the first time I'd read Hitchhiker's Guide. My wife even tells me I've got a big ol' grin on my
face and that I'm acting weird and I tell her exactly how amazing this book is and that she needs to read it because it's amazing and yadda yadda. She reads it, says she loves it, and then moves on to another story. I call her out, ask her to read it again, she says no, we argue.
Few days later I got a random drug test and I come up positive for crack.
Few days later I got a random drug test and I come up positive for crack.
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