An Argument (NSFW)

“You leave my ferrets out of this. The only thing that stinks is your-”

“Ohhh, don’t even."

“Your homemade lotion.”

“Oh fuck you!”

“No one uses it. The texture's unnerving and weird."

“Emily uses it. Tanya, Grace. Maybe Doug.”

“No, we were all together at Tanya's last week and no one there smelled like they barfed a stomach full of kimchi and tequila onto a dead cat. And don’t tell me Tim’s using it, he’s half Korean and full on alcoholic.

“Like all of your family on your dad’s side?”

“Yeah, and the world’s finally starting to see it as an actual illness so get ready to start having to empathize with other human beings for once in your life, you ice cold whore.”

“Oh speaking of alcoholism and whores, how’s Tanya been? I know you guys have lunch all the time.”

“She’s good actually, she just celebrated nine months of sobriety by having a fucking child, you paranoid psycho. Also she hasn’t smelled like she climbed out of a shark’s stomach so probably good on the lotion for a while.”

“My mistake, how’s FORMER-whore Tanya been?”

“I just told you she’s good.”

“Now do you see what I mean, David?”

“This argument? No. In fact, it proves MY point.”

“Because of something valid or because you just want to win the argument?

“I’m not s-”

“You better not have done anything with her.”

“Tanya? Are you kidding? She loves you. She talks about you all the time. By the way, THAT is how bad your lotion smells. Tanya reads your blog and she probably tossed that bottle of demon semen straight into the trash."

“At least I made something and tried to sell it. What’s your jumping bullshit accomplish?”

“Don't get started on this, you know how much strength and agility it takes to do parkour. You could NEVER do it and you know it.”

“Why would I want to, David? Is there a fucking ounce of practicality in any of it? There’s going to come a day when we’re all bionic and we’ll be able to do crazy shit and it's going to make all your old GoPro videos look monumentally retarded.”

  

“Okay, well it keeps me fit and your lotion causes cancer, so fuck you.”

“See? This is caustic, David, we're not even close to being ready for kids if we're arguing like this."

"Nah, not true, we'd be great parents."

"You really think that? What if we raise really shitty people?"

“There’s no way. As long as we have decent canvases to work with we’ll be fine. The worst thing that could possibly happen is if we just get shit kids. Like, there’s nothing we can do with them, they’re terrible forever and all we could do was wait until they got into enough trouble for the state to take care of them.”

“Boarding School or something, whatever, that’s easy. I  feel like I’m going to fuck them up and then love them too much to let them go out and get not-fucked-up later in life. I don’t know. Do you think I’d be a good mom?”

“Yes. No hesitation. You’d kick ass. Mary, it’s okay that we’re kids ourselves and that we have stupid problems. At the end of the day, we know what’s right. We’re good people. The fact that we’re still kids just means we can all grow up together.”

“That all sounds good. And I did get really militant about childbirth when we watched Idiocracy, I guess I could fight for the cause.”

“When we’re ready.”

“Is that after Kodo and Podo die?”

“They’d protect our baby as if it were their own kin. You’re ice cold, maybe so cold a baby can’t grow in there. Like your fucking heart.”

“You're fuming. Jesus. They’re going to be alive for a long time, I was just saying-”

“Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m sure we’re both sterile from your gunk that smells like a turd shit from a dog that ate some shit, shit that shit, ate that shitted shit, and then did that nine more times, and then shit that last shit. That’s what your lotion smells like, a 10th generation turd. I’ll be in the living room.”

“You walking or you thinking about scaling the bookcase, leaping to the ceiling and then wasting your time all the way to the couch?”

“You’re barren, bitch. Matt Damon tried to grow potatoes in there, had it all sealed off and everything. Nope. Martian dirt is a fucking fertile crescent in comparison. His words.”

“Can you believe Netflix actually has the movie Beastmaster? Check it out. Wait, those ferrets look a lot like Podo and Kodo and yikes, they’re getting awfully close to that fire. Don’t leave! David! Whoa, okay, that was like Crouching Tiger or something. Damn. I’ll give you one child.”