Everyone's a Damn Detective in this Town

"Coffee, please. And can I get some creamer?"

"Listen, pal, you don't come to this diner and put cream in your coffee. Not in this town."

"He just ask for creamer, May?"

"No, mind your business. I'm sorry, honey, I can't give it to you now that everyone's watching."

"It's alright, but can I ask what the problem is?"

"This town used to be in the specialized glass industry. After the glass shortage of '33, we were the only town in North America manufacturing magnifying glass and opaque glass you can put black letters on. With crime rampant, our mayor passed a law requiring glass manufacturers to only sell to citizens. Of course, we experienced a massive influx of detectives. Sorry, you want that piece of apple pie now?"

"Oh, sure. But how'd you know?

"My father was one of those detectives. Raised a whole family of detectives a mile outside of town. This concrete prison of a graveyard plot we just call a town so people know what we're talking about when we point at the dilapidated filth it's become. I'll be right back with that pie."

"Hey, fella, you the guy that wanted cream with his coffee?"

"I either am or I'm not, what's it to you, pal? If you're peddling regrets, I don't want any, got too many already. You'll end up with some of mine and buddy, let me tell you, life's hard enough without a broken jaw."

"Yeah? Last guy that hurt me fell down real hard. Lost some teeth. It was like his mouth was throwing 'em away - straight frivolous. Should've kept his hands off those kids but he's one less perp the world's got to worry about. Not that there aren't a thousand sick bastards ready to take his place."

"Charlie, you talking' about Bill Crudd? That sick filthy rat bastard son of a bitch killed my partner 4 years ago this August."

"Here's your pie. Wait, Bill Crudd? I haven't heard that name in years. He used to rob banks, right? I remember. Brutal robberies, too, left those tellers in rough condition."

"Rough condition? You don't know nothin' about rough condition, May. Nobody knows nothin' but they're always talkin' like they do. You ever chase a perp down an alleyway? Jump fences, hurdle dogs just to make it in time to see your partner get shot in the head? Ralph Finnegan. Now he was in rough condition. He was my partner and my best friend. When I got there, he was barely-"

"I knew a Ralph Finnegan. Tall fella, ate a Porterhouse steak for breakfast every day. I remember he used to give nudie magazines to middle shoolers, everyone loved 'em. Paranoid guy, but a great guy to have-"

"-watching your back. Yeah. I knew the guy too. Drank pickle juice out of one of those old leather canteens for some reason. Also saved my life, for better or worse. More I get older, more I think it was for the worse. This life ain't all it's-"

"What's that dog doing in here? Can somebody grab-"

"People always say that dogs are man's best friend. You know a real best friend? Somebody who pulls you from the depths of hell, who throws you a rope and plucks your quivering naked soul out of a sea of whiskey and crippling reminders of the man you once were. That you aren't anymore. Not since she came into your life. She changed-"

"She's dead, Randy, just stop. And somebody get that dog out of here!"

"No, wait, I think he's trying to tell us something.  What's that in his collar?"

"An envelope. Looks like it's full of...clues..to a murder. In fact, this is enough evidence for a conviction. And look at the receipt - paw prints. This dog has solved the murder of Anders Chavez, reclusive billionaire and media mogul."

"Smell this, Randy."

"Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"

"Yup. Are his whiskers are covered in crumbs?"

"They are. And they do taste like cinnamon. But how did he put the clues in the envelope without thumbs."

"Are those ants?"

"Hold on, don't kill them! It looks like they're spelling something out. But what's it say?"

"It's native american in origin."

"I've heard an old Navajo legend of insects communicating with humans using this very language. It says 'Dog....hard worker...took long time...'"

"This is an amazing town."

"Eh, it can get old sometimes."

"You know what gets old? Losing the people you love to the evils of man. Rebuilding your life from the ground up until you're on firm ground and then watching the tidal wave's shadow rise f-"

The End