Alzheimer's and ISIS at the Vacaville Film Festival (Mockumentary)

1. INT. Vacaville Cinema Center 5 LOBBY - 3:30pm

The Vacaville Film Festival steams forward with nearly the entire town filling the lobby and flowing out into the parking lot. A documentarian aims his lens at two men, PETER and DAVE, with chubby CHUCKY on the side.

DAVE

We are pumped. Honestly, I can’t believe we’re even here right now. This is all because of some stoner horsecrap thing we filmed a few years ago. I mean, whatever happens we’ve already won.

PETER

Chucky. This is all him.

DAVE

Yeah, Chucky’s the true genius in all this.

ON THE SCREEN:

Dave and Peter produced a comedy sketch for the website Funny or Die. Two years later, Chucky, a fan of theirs from the internet, edited the footage into a short film and submitted it to a locals-only film festival in the small town where he lives.

DAVE

He's the only reason we're here today. The vision that kid has is incredible, I just- He took a stupid sketch about two stoners on an adventure to buy milk-

PETER

A stoner bromance.

DAVE

A stupid buddy comedy thing for idiots, and he turned it into one of the most poignant explorations of Alzheimer’s we’d ever seen.

PETER

Tears. Tears. Just- Really a journey more than an adventure but...

DAVE

Chucky!

PETER

You’re the man, Chucky. You. Are. The man.

CHUCKY

Thanks guys. Hope we win. So cool.

CUT TO:

Chubby internet geek Chucky standing awkward and alone, a movie poster behind him.

CHUCKY

Before this I’d really only matched music to anime but my uncle got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few months ago and once in awhile he’s a big fan of the original short Peter and Dave made. The most challenging part of dealing with it? Probably the pot smoke. I considered adding a CGI corn cob pipe b- Oh with everything? No, the smoke was a monumental ordeal. My uncle doesn’t even have to take out the trash anymore.

CUT TO:

Back to David and Peter, both all smiles and confidence.

DAVE

Do I think or do I know? Oh I know we're winning this. We’ve checked out some of the competition and it’s…

PETER

Terrible.

DAVE

Over the top, crap production values, poor acting. Not to take anything away from the town but I’m not sure what you expect when you have a locals-only film festival in a town of 400 people.

PETER

The Room' without the Wiseau. Wonka without the Wilder. I mean.

DAVE

Not much. Another thing we have going for us is the fact that quite a few of the actors and crew went on to do impressive stuff.

PETER

Lisa Mathers, Sbarro's.

DAVE

The woman who played the angry waitress - Lisa. She’s the face on the meatball in the Sbarro’s commercial. Seen it? She was in our short. Also wasn’t the guy who played Sergeant Wilcox-

PETER

Pauley.

DAVE

Pauley Kurtzman was the cop who accidentally got stoned outside the 711.

CHUCKY

So much pot smoke.

DAVE

There was a lot of smoke in that scene, I remember. But Pauley just did a one shot in some web series with the kid from ‘Pete & Pete’.

PETER

No, I told you, that was a random ginger.

DAVE

You insisted it was Ed Sheeran so we looked it up.

PETER

I don’t even know who that is.

DAVE

And I do? Either way the gal who helped us with casting had one of her tweets retweeted by President Obama and now she’s got like 30,000 followers. We’ve got an inside joke about our short being a poor man’s ‘Wet Hot American Summer’.

PETER

We already have a contract with all the remaining Blockbusters. If we win here we can legally use a film festival icon on our DVD, which opens up-

DAVE

Another world, certainly every ethnic and religious video store in the country. County. County.

PETER

And beyond.

DAVE

Who knows after that. Shoot, Redbox. Gamefly. Gamefly do movies?

2. INT. VACAVILLE CINEMA CENTER 5 LOBBY - 7:15pm
ON THE SCREEN:

The three men attend the viewing but our cameras are not allowed access. They return 2 hours later.

The three men are spooked as they hurry through the hallway towards the camera.

PETER

I think we have to go.

CINEMA USHER (O.S.)

You do, sir, and the cameras. Now.

The CAMERA and three men move quickly through the lobby and out the doors of the theater. They rush to find their van.

DAVE

Everyone was in love with the film for the entire first half. I mean tears were being jerked. Heart strings pulled. And then poof, someone noticed one of the actors was wearing an ISIS shirt and all of the sudden the last 10 minutes didn't matter anymore.

PETER

Pro-ISIS propaganda. Right there on his chest.

CHUCKY

Not illegal.

PETER

(scowling)

SHUT UP, CHUCKY.

DAVE

We’re pretty sure Chucky knew about it but didn’t say anything because he’d spent all that time editing out the smoke.

PETER

SHUT UP, CHUCKY.

CHUCKY

I didn’t say anything.

PETER

You’re the genius editor, Chucky, I’m sure you can figure out a place to put it.

DAVE

If ISIS hadn't gained so much notoriety, we would've won the entire festival. Now we're probably on the No Fly List.

PETER

I get seasick, Chucky, and I absolutely love Hawaii. You're a piece of shit.

DAVE

Oh, the van's on fire. They're burning the van.

PETER

Hear that, Chucky, looks like this small town in Alabama doesn't like ISIS. You want to take care of all that smoke before the firefighters get here, Chuckster?

CHUCKY

I told you I was s-

PETER

THIS is where that "shut up, chucky" goes. Right here. It’ll save your life.

FADE OUT