B**** A** on a Nude Beach
“Hey, aren’t you the guy that murdered my uncle?”
"I'm sorry?"
"My uncle. No hard feelings, man, it was a long time ago."
"I don't know what you're talking about. Honestly."
“I’m sorry to do this but I have to call you out. You have a picture of him tattooed to your ass. Right there."
“This? You think this is your uncle?"
"Come on."
"You got me, you got me. I'm the guy that murdered your uncle. Sorry for lying to you back there, I'm having it removed. Takes a while."
“No, completely understandable. I was serious about not having any hard feelings, I know the circumstances. And he’s barely recognizable anymore, really, removal's coming along nicely. Looks beyond Marty McFly’s help altogether now. ”
“Okay, yeah, I can see that. I realize I just grabbed my buttcheek but I feel like I need to shake your hand. Gordon Metzler.”
“When in Rome. Good to meet you again, Gordon. Montgomery Puta.”
“Huh?”
“You probably don’t remember but we met in court like 20 years ago.”
“Not that. Your name is Montgomery Puta?”
“Ohhh, yeah. You can call me Monte or whatever. Would you mind if I asked you some questions about my uncle?”
“That's fine. You sure it’s not supposed to be pronounced ‘pootay'?"
“My last name? Yes, it’s ‘pootah’. You and my uncle were friends, right? Where'd yo-”
“So do you have to use cash in predominantly Mexican neighborhoods?”
"What? Yes. I scratched the 'P' to look like an 'F' but people still said 'pootah'. So where'd you mee-?"
"Is it French? Because if your family's Mexican, and they've had to drag that name through history all this time... I mean, good for them."
“I feel like my name may have convoluted things, Gordon. Pretend it's pronounced 'pootay' or something.
“Still sounds like a Key & Peele college football player, though."
“Come on, man, did my uncle ever mention me? His nephew Monte? At all?"
"He never said anything about a newphew named Montgomery Puta, no. He did say he had a Godson everyone called Mo Deecone."
"That a joke too? You're a dick, dude, I wanted to know more about my uncle because I heard he was a cool guy. Apparently he didn't know how to pick his friends, though. Have a nice day, Gordon."
“It’s not your uncle.”
"What? Say what you're gonna say, man, you've wasted enough of my time."
“I don’t have a tattoo of your uncle on my ass. Sorry. I thought you were trying to prank me or something so I figured I'd play along with ya for awhile. Your last name really is 'Puta'?"
"Yes, and you're an asshole, Gordon."
"Ouch. I really thought you were kidding this whole time, I'm sorry.”
"It's fine. You know what, you have a good vacation, man, this was all just a stupid misunderstanding."
"It happens. You have a good one, too, Montgomery."
“Hey Gordon, real quick, though. You're having that tattoo removed so if it wasn't my uncle on your ass, who exactly was it?"
"Ehhh, some other puta."
"I'm sorry?"
"My uncle. No hard feelings, man, it was a long time ago."
"I don't know what you're talking about. Honestly."
“I’m sorry to do this but I have to call you out. You have a picture of him tattooed to your ass. Right there."
“This? You think this is your uncle?"
"Come on."
"You got me, you got me. I'm the guy that murdered your uncle. Sorry for lying to you back there, I'm having it removed. Takes a while."
“No, completely understandable. I was serious about not having any hard feelings, I know the circumstances. And he’s barely recognizable anymore, really, removal's coming along nicely. Looks beyond Marty McFly’s help altogether now. ”
“Okay, yeah, I can see that. I realize I just grabbed my buttcheek but I feel like I need to shake your hand. Gordon Metzler.”
“When in Rome. Good to meet you again, Gordon. Montgomery Puta.”
“Huh?”
“You probably don’t remember but we met in court like 20 years ago.”
“Not that. Your name is Montgomery Puta?”
“Ohhh, yeah. You can call me Monte or whatever. Would you mind if I asked you some questions about my uncle?”
“That's fine. You sure it’s not supposed to be pronounced ‘pootay'?"
“My last name? Yes, it’s ‘pootah’. You and my uncle were friends, right? Where'd yo-”
“So do you have to use cash in predominantly Mexican neighborhoods?”
"What? Yes. I scratched the 'P' to look like an 'F' but people still said 'pootah'. So where'd you mee-?"
"Is it French? Because if your family's Mexican, and they've had to drag that name through history all this time... I mean, good for them."
“I feel like my name may have convoluted things, Gordon. Pretend it's pronounced 'pootay' or something.
“Still sounds like a Key & Peele college football player, though."
“Come on, man, did my uncle ever mention me? His nephew Monte? At all?"
"He never said anything about a newphew named Montgomery Puta, no. He did say he had a Godson everyone called Mo Deecone."
"That a joke too? You're a dick, dude, I wanted to know more about my uncle because I heard he was a cool guy. Apparently he didn't know how to pick his friends, though. Have a nice day, Gordon."
“It’s not your uncle.”
"What? Say what you're gonna say, man, you've wasted enough of my time."
“I don’t have a tattoo of your uncle on my ass. Sorry. I thought you were trying to prank me or something so I figured I'd play along with ya for awhile. Your last name really is 'Puta'?"
"Yes, and you're an asshole, Gordon."
"Ouch. I really thought you were kidding this whole time, I'm sorry.”
"It's fine. You know what, you have a good vacation, man, this was all just a stupid misunderstanding."
"It happens. You have a good one, too, Montgomery."
“Hey Gordon, real quick, though. You're having that tattoo removed so if it wasn't my uncle on your ass, who exactly was it?"
"Ehhh, some other puta."
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