Party Bully

INT./EXT. LIVING ROOM - 9:30PM

A crowded house party. JOSE, 20's, sits alone at the end of the couch, shifting nervously and nursing a rum & coke. Old friend Miguel approaches and slaps him on the back.

MIGUEL

Hey, I been calling you, fool.

JOSE

Huh? Oh, hey.

MIGUEL

 What's wrong?

JOSE

Nothing...

MIGUEL

What you lookin' at? Who's that weird ass white dude over there?

We see PORKLE - short, mid-40's, looks permanently surprised like Mr. Furley. His shirt has vertical stripes and could be a referee's shirt, but maybe not. He's slightly turned, posed almost as if mid-motion but also relaxed, calm, coy. He's staring directly at the two men.

JOSE

I don't know but he's weird as shit.

MIGUEL

Why's he staring so hard over here? (TO PORKLE) Yo, you need something, homie? I know you can hear me. (TO JOSE) Why isn't he reacting?

JOSE

He could be deaf and we could be assholes. You know how to sign?

MIGUEL

Is that a question? You seen me in my statue of liberty suit, fool, stop playing. Or you got a Celino & Barnes model? C&B got a rhombus-shaped sign and I spin the shit out of a rhomb- you're talking about sign language. I don't sign like that, no.

JOSE

Isn't your brother deaf? Be a role model, man. Can you just go over and ask him to leave?

MIGUEL

No way, you do it. He never blinks. I been paying attention. Aw, hold up, you messing with me? Is that a mannequin? 

JOSE

No. He growled at me earlier and all the sudden I felt, like, depressed. Tell Corey I'll give him all the leftover beer if he kicks that guy out. Or maybe just get Corey anyway.

MIGUEL

You sure it was that guy who did the growling, though? It almost looks like he can't.

JOSE

Miguel, he can. When you called me I was browsing Smiths albums on iTunes, man, that growl put me in a bad pl- Shit, I think he's heading this way. You see how he's walking? Should we go help him or is he coming over here to murder us?

MIGUEL

I don't know either. Ball your fists, though, fool. Just in case.

Porkle walks towards the men as if his body is inside a larger body. He's a scary intergalactic pimp if those motions are voluntary, or a noble victim of the physical world if they're not.

JOSE

You too, then, dude, ball 'em up. I can see your hands, ball 'em, you're in this too now, Miguel, ball your fists.

PORKLE

(close-talking)

YO, QUADRALOOP, MUTHAFUCKA.

MIGUEL

What, fool?

PORKLE

TENDINI CRUNCH. SLAPP IT.

MIGUEL

Run.

JOSE

I think he wants me to slap something.

PORKLE

AWWWWWW, THISSA.

JOSE

Okay, go go go!

The two men sprint out the door and flee to the end of the driveway about 30ft away.

MIGUEL

What the FUCK was that? Should we call the cops?

JOSE

I don't know but he gets in your face so fast it's hard to know what's happening. And that walk. It's got an uncanny valley thing going on but he's human. Well, humanoid at least.

MIGUEL

Humanoid, bipedal. What else should we tell the cops? That was assault, right?

JOSE

Maybe. Seriously, though, was he human? I thought I smelled some acqua di gio but it all happened so f-

PORKLE

TENDINI CRUNCH, MUTHAFUCKA.

JOSE

Holy shit, who are you!?

PORKLE

SLAPP IT.

JOSE

I want to go home.

MIGUEL

We're in your front yard, dog. Someone help us! Hello? Hello!? This is exactly what sleep paralysis feels like.

PORKLE

FISUSUSUSUSUSUSUSUSUS.

JOSE

What do you w-?

PORKLE

CLORRYPIPPER?

JOSE

What, ma-?

PORKLE

CORRYPLIPPER?

JOSE

Co-

PORKLE

CLORRYPIPPLER?

JOSE

C-C-Clorrypippler?

PORKLE

KOFASEDATIV PARFANIMININ?

JOSE

K-

PORKLE

KOFASEDATIV PARFANIMININ?

JOSE

K-Kofa-

PORKLE

(frustrated)

KOFASEDATIV PARFANIMININ?

JOSE

K-K-Ko- I can't do it, man, I'm sorry!

PORKLE

(smiling gently)

CLORRYPLIPPER?

JOSE

Tendini crunch, man, just leave us alone!

PORKLE

SLAPP IT.

JOSE

I think I'm just going to slap it.

MIGUEL

Slap what, though? Maybe the worst thing you can do is slap it.

JOSE

I don't care, I'm scared. I'm just going to slap his torso randomly or something.

PORKLE

SLAPP IT.

JOSE

I just said I would.

Jose's sheepish slaps are pure bliss for Porkle, who's locked in a pose like a dog getting scratched. A few moments later he strikes an "epiphany" pose.

PORKLE

WOWOWOW PONTIKEEPO HOOLIHAHA! BYEEEE.

A train horn sounds off in the distance at the same time as a garbage truck slams a dumpster down. Jose and Miguel turn their heads towards the loud bang but their views are intercepted by a beat-up ice cream truck passing by. Porkle jumps in the doorless passenger side as the Mexican driver looks him up-and-down calmly until they're out of view.

JOSE

What happened here tonight?

MIGUEL

I don't know. You think he knew that guy? Are we like his accomplice now?

JOSE

I'm stuck on the human or not thing, dude. Honestly he could've been supernatural or mythological, or maybe just a normal man who'd suffered a stroke.

MIGUEL

Well it took a lot of guts for you to slap it like that, though.

JOSE

Thanks, man, but part of me is terrified as hell he's coming back to ask f-

PORKLE

TENDINI CRUNCH NOW MUTHAFUCKA. QUADRALOOP.