Vicious Monster, Reasonable Roommate

1. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN SPACE - EARTH YEAR 2016

A sleek metallic pod sails through space, only a small blue Earth remains behind it.

GREG (V.O)

This is the story of a how some guy from Earth managed to get a job on an intergalactic spaceport. In the year 2016, no less. It all star-

MONSTER (V.O)

Probably has a pretty awesome friend.

GREG (V.O)

It all started back on- yeah, so awesome he can't shut up. You want me to do this thing or what? It all started back on Earth, in a small town with an old, scary legend.

2. EXT. LAKESIDE FISHING SPOT - NIGHT - (FLASHBACK)

An older man fishing by a lake gets a tug on his line.

GREG (V.O)

It was said they were large, hulking beasts and yet agile and acrobatic and able to swing between the shadows silently, effortlessly. Nearly impossible to see.

A monster lurks in the woods behind the fisherman, creeping out just as we CLOSEUP on the man struggling to pull in his catch.

GREG (V.O) (CONT'D)

The night cloaked their horror almost as a favor to its prey and then, as soon as it was too late, the sum of that terror fully blossomed to envelop and paralyze and then digest its victim.

The fisherman is yanked out of the shot before blood splatter confirms a brutal death.

3. EXT. GREG'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT - (FLASHBACK)

GREG parks his car in the driveway and begins pulling out grocery bags while a monster lurks around the corner of the house, out of his view.

GREG (V.O)

But if you actually saw one of them with your own eyes it would immediately lose its power to harm you. Not an easy thing to do, but I'd actually seen one as a kid.

MONSTER (V.O)

Sounds like one bad motherfucker.

GREG (V.O)

IT DARTED OUT of view as soon as it realized it'd been spotted, but I never forgot about that day. And so when I was attacked again twenty years later, it was more awkward than anything else.

The monster pounces onto Greg but only manages to slobber all over him. They both reel and exchange confused looks.

GREG

W-What are you?

MONSTER

What?

GREG

A-Are you a monster? Or an alien? Were you assembled in a lab by government scientists?

MONSTER

What?? This is very weird for me right now, human.

GREG

Sorry, it's weird f-

MONSTER

Imagine the food on your plate speaking to you. Think of the stupid things vegetables would say. That's you right now.

GREG

O-Okay, is this your first time talking to a human?

MONSTER

No, no, I get seen by humans all the time which is why my glabbokore sack isn't bulbous with human fat. Wait a minute, who's morbidly obese glabbokore sack is this?? Oh, it's mine. So I guess I'm actually very good at hunting humans after all. Yes, this is my first time talking to a human.

GREG

Oh...

MONSTER

I'm going to call you 'emaciated glabbokore' from this point on, as in 'he's stupid, he's dumb, he's retarded, he's got an emaciated glabbokore'. It's a song. About you, apparently.

4. INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON - (FLASHBACK)

The monster is lounging on the couch staring at the TV as Greg swipes his finger across a tablet.

GREG (V.O)

The nickname didn't stick around, but boy did he. In fact, in a matter of hours we'd become friends and a week later he decided to move in. My house had become a sort of base of operations for him and, of course, it was all a disaster from the very start.

GREG (CONT'D)

Wait, you really think you're more evolved than humans?

MONSTER

Obviously, Greg, come on. I can jump a hundred feet into the air and rip off a car roof with one hand.

GREG

Okay, I can survive for weeks on tree bark and piss. You have to track down and kill the next most dangerous predator on Earth.

MONSTER

And yet I'm still here.

GREG

Yeah, can't wait to meet your family.

MONSTER

I told you, they were hunted and killed by humans.

GREG

I know.

MONSTER

Then wh-? Oh yeah, you're kind is so evolved, Greg. I'll be in my room, ass.

The monster storms out of the room and slams the door.

GREG

I was just kidding around, man, I'm sorry. Dammit.

5. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT - (FLASHBACK)

The monster sits at the dining room table. Greg walks in and to the fridge, opens it.

GREG (V.O)

Despite the obvious differences, he was a lot like a human and most of our problems were just normal roommate stuff. Some, though...

GREG (CONT'D)

You can only eat humans, right?

MONSTER

Humans and very specific rapidly-decaying elements.

GREG

Okay, if that's true, why does my food keep disappearing from the fridge?

MONSTER

I'll tell you, but you're not going to like it.

GREG

It's not sexual, is it?

MONSTER

Sexual?? Why would it be sexual? My species is basically asexual anyway, Greg, but what kinds of things are humans doing with Applebee's leftovers?

GREG

Then what happens to the food in the fridge?

MONSTER

I'm using it as bait to lure and consume humans. Are you mad?

GREG

What happened to all the Francium I got you? Do you realize how expensive it is?

MONSTER

It decayed into Radon overnight.

GREG

Okay, what did you do with the radon then?

MONSTER

I rubbed it all over my glabbokore sack, Greg, what the hell did you want me to do with it?

GREG

No, no, as long as you're eating it.

MONSTER

Eating Radon? By rubbing it on m- Radon Rubbing is a sexual perversion, Greg, Jesus. You're emaciated glabbokore's showing.

6. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - (FLASHBACK)

The monster's lounging on the couch again with his feet propped up on the table. The coffee table is full of drinks, wrappers and plates. Greg walks in the front door and seems annoyed. He notices the mess.

GREG (V.O.)

Eventually, though, our differences started becoming too much to handle and I began to regret letting him stay with me in the first place. He never ate humans in the house, and definitely never in front of me, but living with the same species was hard enough. It was only a matter of time before things blew up.

GREG (CONT'D)

Dammit, I've had enough of this crap. You can't stay here anymore, man, you have to go.

MONSTER

Why? What's wrong now, Greg?

GREG

Lots of things. Did you kill Mrs. Grummond last night?

MONSTER

No, but I heard some wolves howling. Maybe it was the wolves.

GREG

The officer said it looked like she fell a thousand feet onto the wall. Doesn't seem like typical wolf behavior.

MONSTER

Okay, Jack London, what's a vet say though?

GREG

You can't kill people in this town anymore. They're going to start freaking out.

MONSTER

Greg, honestly I didn't kill her.

GREG

Bullshit. Please just pack your stuff and go.

MONSTER

Alright, I will, but I didn't kill her. Before I consume anyone, I check your Facebook and LinkedIn pages. If you have even a 3rd degree connection, I put them on a list of people I won't devour.

GREG

Really? I had no idea you cared that much, or that you were even computer literate.

MONSTER

I care a whole lot, Greg, and I only learned personal computing for you. God forbid a picture of me got out on the internet, I'd starve to death.

GREG

We don't want your glaklebore to be emaciated.

MONSTER

You tried to say it, Greg, I appreciate that. You've put up with a lot, Greg, I wasn't sure it would work out at first but I'm glad it did.

GREG

Me too. I got you more Francium.

MONSTER

I saw that, thank you.

GREG

I think it already decayed into something else.

MONSTER

It did but that's okay, it's the thought that blah blah blah. Greg, when we first met you asked me if I was a monster or an alien or whatever. I'm an alien. I come to Earth every once in a while to get away from it all, reset. My vacation's coming to an end and I'll have to go back soon. Do you want to come with me? It may be a few hundred years before you can return to Earth, so you may never see y-

GREG

Shut the f- Beam me up. Let's go.

MONSTER

You can take a few days to pack and sa-

GREG

BEAM. ME. UP. I'm done with this shithole, dude, let's bail out. Seriously, fuck this place and everyone in it. Beam me up.

GREG (V.O)

And that was it, I was on my way through space to start at my new job at an intergalactic spaceport.

FADE OUT